fuck the money, jump, jump!
climb into a pressure cooker and see what happens.
a little over the cost of getting a car towed twice or getting two cars towed at once, both of which ive done….. a little under the cost of having three car towing charges discussed in total, which has also already occurred.
it wasnt a disaster.
psychiatry cost like 300 something for 90 minutes, it cost like 120 something for 30.
so at that rate, what is this really if it buys me two weeks?
two weeks, two weeks of what? i thought, once, of selling years of my life. because i only need as many as my kitten has, but everyone, everyone “needs” money. (ohh i’m SO bad at keeping track of money! [which reminds me; i need to pay a roommate for cable]…)
my mom became angry with me while i was at home for thanksgiving. i left the house once! and then i left her presence! and the next day she screamed to me
“YOU
ARE GOING TO RUIN
EVERYTHING
FOR WHICH YOU HAVE WORKED SO HARD”
and i wanted to say NO; i will ruin the things for which YOU have worked
And she said
“HOW IS IT
THAT YOU MANAGE TO FIND THE DEGENERATES WHEREVER YOU GO?
HOW ARE YOU CAPABLE OF FINDING AN ALCOHOLIC IN ANY CITY?”
and i said
“WHY IS IT THAT YOU STILL THINK THAT I AM ANY DIFFERENT?”
Everything that she sees in me that angers her—I CAN SEE THESE THINGS, OF COURSE. because my parents’ voice is always in the back of my head; what i “SHOULD” be doing, ALWAYS, and so many times the therapist would tell me to
“change ‘shoulds’ to ‘coulds’ and then you will feel more free”
and i would tell her
what i SHOULD do,
what my PARENTS wanted me to do,
myparentsholdaguntomybackandtellmetowalk…graduate
now, now, they say. finish the hour, the class, the day, the week, the month, the semester, these past 21 years we’ve owned you and we will continue to do so. indoctrinated and medicated for that is the only way you…
that is the only way.
and she would say, [the therapist]
what do you WANT to do?
and one time i told my parents what we had talked about in therapy and they said that the therapist had given me bad advice—i shouldn’t go back
but now i’ve found a new way of being—a machinelike lost soul
oh! no wonder i’m empty shaken[ing] LOST,
i’ve lost ‘it’—whatever ‘it’ was that i once had that enabled me to feel compassion and peacefulness
i don’t know how!
but i think it’s gone.
